Trouble In Here

I'm not feeling so good about myself right now. I've been slacking and being very irresponsible. The whole weekend all I did was spend time in front of my computer and I didn't even revise anything! Actually thats like 5% of my problem. I'm not that big of a nerd ahhaha.

Whats really bothering me is how much I've changed as a person. I've forgotten my duties (REALLY important duties) and I've totally messed up my priorities. I've been taking everything for granted and putting all these little things in front of what really matters. And the worst thing is I feel guilty like shit but I'm not doing anything about it, which is what scares me. I used to be afraid of feeling guilty, knowing I did something wrong, and usually this would inspire me to change and make things better but now all I feel is guilt and then nothing.

Don't get me wrong. I desperately want to change, trust me, but everytime there's this voice inside of me making up all this excuses to procrastinate this change. And I'm afraid that one day I'm going to wake up and that guilty feeling is going to be gone. You see I've crossed this line in my life and the guilt is the only thing that's stopping me from losing sight of that line. Which means that if I lose this feeling I'm going to be lost and I just can't see how I'm going to get back to myself.

And to top it all I'm really angry and dissapointed at someone very important in my life (not by choice <-- thats a very mean thing to say) and this anger is making me do things just to piss her off. And so right now as I'm listening to Howie Day's album Stop All The World Now (you know to cool down cos it's such and AWESOME album! if you like his song Collide you would not be dissapointed with the rest of his songs), I'm re-thinking my decision to come back to kl this week.

Song of the moment : Howie Day - Brace Yourself