The Words We Say

My Racing Thoughts

2011-11-23T23:04:00.003+08:00

There are days where I accept the situation. And my heart says everything will be okay. That this is the right step for me. And I feel calm

Then there are days where I feel so restless and I can't think straight. My heart feels like it's hurting and all I want to do is scream.

Part of me can't wait for this to be over but I'm not going down without a fight. I just need to figure out which side to be on.

Blindsided

2011-10-05T01:43:00.000+08:00

I'm nervous as hell but I'm too scared to do anything about it. I think I'm not ready but I pray that I'm wrong. My heart is beating like a hammer, waiting anxiously for the day to arrive. I know I should do something about it but every time I'll distract myself instead. Finding reasons to delay the inevitable. And before you know it time is running out. I should spent my nights preparing and thinking of what to say but instead all I do is wishing I was there with you.

Rumour Has It

2011-08-08T12:26:00.002+08:00

we should learn to question why we do something instead of blindly following just because its the norm. everything happens for a reason.

Cause when the roof cave in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do

I know this hurts, it was meant to
Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one

Thoughts of you warm my bones

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

And just like that we're back to square one.

Song of the moment : Angus and Julia Stone - You're the One That I Want

Waves of Change

2011-07-01T23:35:00.000+08:00

three different countries. three different company. three different experience. three very different feelings.

1. I imagined going here with a larger group but even with just the 3 of us I had fun. We were just acquaintances but we left this place as friends and that is something I will never regret.

2. After years of wanting to go here it finally happened. We did it guys and this was such a great way to celebrate what we have achieved. I can't wait for our next trip!

3. Probably the most tiring, the most anticipated, the most pressured and the most memorable trip. all the hard work payed off and even if you think we left empty handed in truth we gained so much more especially in terms of relationship. We have become so much closer and it hurts to know how much more you will achieve and knowing I can't be part of it. Whatever it is just know that you make me proud every day.

Song of the moment : Whitley - More Than Life

Delicate

2011-06-15T04:39:00.004+08:00

So many things were left unsaid and as I sit here, I'm overcome with this rush of feeling that I never thought was possible. The loss that I've experienced has never hurt as mush as this. Looking around and seeing the empty chairs only makes it worst. We have come so far but every beginning has an ending and unfortunately this is ours. You have a bigger journey ahead of you and I would give anything to be part of that but it is time for me to let go and watch you grow.

You have taught me a lot and I'm sorry if I didn't show my appreciation or have hurt your feelings in any way. I wish you guys all the best and I hope that the time we have spent with each other means as much to me as it does to you. They haven't invented words for how proud I am of you. To have experienced this with you guys was an honour that I could never imagine. If I could have one wish it would be for this moment to last forever.

Song of the moment : Emy Reynolds - Tonight

Love Lost

2011-05-31T15:32:00.000+08:00

This fight was inevitable. The minute we got together I could already feel it. We were two very different people with two very distinct ways of thinking. I see black and you see white. But then maybe that's why we worked. You see things I don't see and vice versa. We were able to cover all the bases. Of course there were fights, the small bickering, butting of heads on which path to take, that was unavoidable. But in the end what brought us back to track was the purpose we were together. And we would compromised and everything would be fine, great even.

But lately we've been fighting more and we can't seem to be on the same page. I already had a feeling a big fight was coming and I prepared myself to keep cool. Unfortunately luck was against us and we fought when both of us was at the lowest. The funny thing is that it wasn't even a big issue just a little misscommunication. Sadly here we are on two opposite sides but still maintaining the facade and being strong in front of the rest.

I've always disagreed the way you handle yourself when you're around them. Speaking so highly of people who are rarely around. But I kept my mouth shut cause that was a battle I knew I was going to lose. When it comes to them you could never think clearly. But maybe now that I'm gone you will finally realize how much weight I was actually carrying.

Typing this has made me realize that the reason I am mad at you is because I think you are taking advantage of me and it's like you don't appreciate the things I do. I doubt I'll ever hear your reasons for being mad at me. But who knows maybe there will come a time when we would be able to talk with each other without spite and awkwardness.

So goodbye for now and even if I do disagree with what you decide later I shall keep my word and mouth shut.

Song of the moment : Jason Walker - Down

Cold Wind Blows

2011-01-20T01:34:00.002+08:00

i know that sometimes i make you mad. how my words just comes out without thinking what it means or how it makes you feel. and once it does it's something that i can never take back. but i just want you to know how much i love you for never staying mad.

Sang Mantan

2010-09-23T21:23:00.000+08:00

wow this feeling is so overwhelming. rushing back into me. and i thought i was over it. maybe i am. maybe this is just the aftermath. something you can't avoid. i cant help but feel envious. every time i look at the two of you i cant help wanting the same thing. one year of not seeing each other. one year of not talking except for happy birthday and thank you. and now that i'm seeing you in front of me it all comes rushing back. i want my fairy tale ending too.

Song of the moment: Sia - I'm In Here (Piano Version)

Down River

2010-07-30T02:21:00.000+08:00

1. Just because we accept something doesn't mean that we agree to it. We have the right to be angry and saddened at a loss.

2. Asking ourselves "Why this is happening to me?" won't do any good. Instead ask, "What can I do about it?"

3. Everything happens for a reason. There will be light even in the midst of all the darkness.

NOTE: If you want people to understand you and support you make sure you apologise for the miscommunication/misunderstanding and do not act defensive. Cause all they want is your respect and support.

Song of the moment: Joan Armatrading - The Weakness in Me

Cannonball

2010-07-14T03:01:00.002+08:00

Now that this is coming to an end my biggest what ifs is what if I had been there instead? Would we have happened?

The more I know you, the more sure I am we could never be.

We've got really bad timing. Perhaps we shall be more in sync in the future.

The first time I followed a bad instinct over someone, it was with you and I don't regret the decision I made. It made me witness something great and you can't take that away from me.

Thank you for your random texts. Don't stop.

I can't wait for you to grow up.

You are definitely a catch even though you don't see it yet.

I'm going to miss you once this is over even though we will actually see more of each other.

Knowing you has made this easier.

I hope this doesn't stop.

Meeting you has made me more aware of people like you and taught me not to be so gullible. You have been great to me and all and I consider you my friend but I'm sorry that I just can't seem to believe you.

You are definitely one of a kind.

I know this might sound presumptuous but I think if I weren't around you would have been lost.

I like that being here has made me closer to you and closer to them.

You're someone I can't live with but can't live without.

We definitely can't work together. That is my choice.

I really wish you all the happiness in the world. You totally deserve it.

this post is dedicated to
beb, report partner, secret crush, bff, evil twin, personal werewolf, seniors, anonymous, lunch dates, music teachers, HGA, SOMEONE, other half

10 years from now I want to be able to sit together and "have coffee" with beb, personal werewolf, anonymous and report partner. wishful thinking would include HGA but for different reasons ;)

Song of the moment: John Murphy - Sunshine (Adagio In D Minor)

New Hope

2010-06-27T00:12:00.013+08:00

That smell. Your car. The laughs. The company. Your hair. The drinks. The looks. The stories. Your eyes. Your smile. The night before. The morning after. 1/8 of a day. 180 minutes. 10800 seconds. 3 hours. That was all it took.

Song of the moment: The Temper Trap - Love Lost

The Long Way Around

2010-06-21T09:03:00.004+08:00

My biggest fear was that sooner or later you would realise I was disposable. That you and I had nothing in common and conversations between us doesn't come naturally. That soon I would be just your past and I have no place in your future. There are times when I see it happening, slowly excluding me from conversations, plans but then you would leave a comment or an email, something so simple and I'm pulled back in. But it's getting less frequent now and I'm just waiting for the inevitable. It hurts. But it's not your fault. You can't force this kinda things. We were brought together by force and now that we've grown we finaly have a choice. A chance to choose the people you want to have in your life. I've faced the facts that I'm not your "person" and it might take some time for me to let go but I think I am finally allowing myself to do it.

Song of the moment : Kris Allen - The Truth

Maybe

2010-05-31T10:49:00.002+08:00

With the current technology we no longer have to be face to face with someone to talk to them. This has its own pros and cons. Pros: we are connected to anyone anywhere at anytime. Cons: someone might be typing something but in reality might be thinking the complete opposite. I might be saying how happy I am for you but the truth is I'm currently crying typing your reply.

One of the many forms of deception is through the form of laughing. How do you know if the other person is laughing at you or with you or even laughing at all? Here's a guide of what I think all the lols or hahahs actually means ;)

lol
contrary to it actually meaning laughing out loud the user is actually not laughing at all let alone out loud but puts it just to be polite or it tickled your funny bone slightly which might cause a smile but definitely not a laugh

LOL
now this on the other hand shows that the user has put some effort in caps locking it so there might be some honesty in that laugh but i still doubt the out loud part

haha
ok see this user is just plain lazy and most probably not laughing or even cracking a smile at your joke/comment. this in my opinion is the worst deception in the art of laughing on the internet

hahahahah
now this has some potential that the user might actually be laughing at your joke and also there's a possibility that he's laugh sounds like that too. the longer the hahahah the higher the probability he's actually laughing

HAHAHAHAHAH
ok now this is what laughing out loud should be! if a user uses this he/she is obviously laughing at your comment and might be getting weird looks from the people around him

hehe
this is a gedik laugh or like a flirtatious kind

heheh
by adding the extra h it shows that the user is not trying to laugh gedik-ly more to a cheeky laugh. kinda like you making fun of someone so you put this at the end to show that you're only joking or getting caught doing something so it also may mean a guilty laugh

hehehehehe
this is a super gedik laugh. try not to do it unless you perasan hot

gagagagaga
well this is pretty new and its slowly catching on. the user most probably thinks its funny and might be laughing but it has an ejek-ing tone to it or the user might just be a lady gaga fan

harhar
if someone makes a sarcastic comment this would be how you respond

haha very funny
same definition as above. see this further proves that when you use haha you're not really laughing

Ok la obviously this does not apply to everyone. This is just my take and if you're one of those people who uses lol and really mean it then good for you :)

Song of the moment : Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire

Permanent

2010-05-06T16:53:00.001+08:00

I know that I have to let go but I literally don't know how. How am I suppose to control what I feel when I think about you? Heck how am I suppose to control my mind to not think about you? If I focus my mind on other things wouldn't that be just running away from the problem. I might not be thinking about you at that time but I can't possible keep my mind occupied forever right? So please tell me how I am suppose to not feel this anger/hurt/sadness whenever I think about you? I want to get over you so much.

And I thought how ironic it was that you only had to do nothing at all to stay on my mind

Di sini ku menanti...

Song of the moment: The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Question Existing

2010-04-22T01:51:00.001+08:00

I’m tempted to test them and see how they respond to it. The only thing that’s pulling me back is the thought of them doing the same back at me. So instead I observe and granted it might take me longer to get the answers that I’m looking for but I believe it’s worth the wait, it’s worth the feelings I might possibly hurt including mine.

Song of the moment: Plastiscines - Runnaway

Hi-Speed Soul

2010-04-02T09:29:00.000+08:00

In the past week I've wanted to travel the world (if possibe in a hot air balloon), be a part of a theatre production (a musical would be awesome), a doctor (the closest would be me putting on my labcoat), ~~a pilot~~ own a private plane and work on a cruise ship (ok la boarding one would be enough).

I don't mind spending my weekend like this. Away from everything familiar. No one knew me as I sat on the green coloured cushioned chairs reading my book and listening to Battle Studies waiting for my boarding call. I didn't even mind the delay or that I would be tired at work the next day. All that matter was I was here in this moment and as I looked around there was this calmness in me and I needed that. Freeze frame.

Book of the moment: Forget You Had a Daughter by Sandra Gregory

I Gotta Feeling

2010-03-22T11:46:00.004+08:00

Weekend came early for us and on Thursday night with a memorable opening act by our resident star we knew it was gonna be a helluva weekend. We didn't have the usual people but it didn't matter. The change in dynamics was welcomed and for once majority when to the engineering group. ~~Chatting~~ Shouting over good food, laughing and just plain chilling was what we all needed after such a tiring week.

The next night went out for dinner and then after waiting for an hour we were brought to our room for some fun-filled karaoke session. Who knew ~~singing~~ screaming to kesha's and taylor swift's songs could have us all gasping for air. And of course we HAD to have a mini tribute to Backstreet Boys (no one had to look at the screen for the lyrics!) or it just wouldn't feel complete hahahah. Can't wait for another round!

Saturday evening we went to the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta at Putrajaya hoping that our dreams of UP or The Ugly Truth could finally come true but we were sorely disappointed :( There were tons of people and it was just too crowded. There was nothing much to do there in the evening besides taking photos so we just walked around. Then around 8pm all the hot air balloons were up and we waited patiently for them to fly up but it didn't so around 9pm we left for dinner and watched the fireworks from the car instead.

6.30am the phone rang, my heart skipped a beat and somewhere a tear dropped.

Song of the moment : John Mayer - Who Says

Notion

2010-03-18T11:39:00.001+08:00

When is enough, enough?

How much longer should I wait?

Splishy Splashy

2010-03-11T11:12:00.003+08:00

When I was a kid, weekends or school holidays were spent in front of the tv at 10am to catch the latest movie (mostly Disney) TV3 was showing, before there was Astro. Movies like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and it’s many sequels, The Mighty Ducks, Homeward Bound and The Little Rascals (I miss this movie!) just to name a few.

One movie that I particularly remember was some sort of a musical featuring these poor kids selling newspaper on the streets. It kinda had an oliver twist feeling towards it I suppose. I didn’t really give much thought about it until the moment when I was looking through vcds at a shop and suddenly the movie came rushing into my mind and there was this need to watch it again. But I couldn’t for the sake of me remember the title and that bothered me so much (those who know me knows I can’t let go of things easily).

So from that day every time I go to a vcd shop I would browse through their collection looking for it but I never found it. Then came the internet era and there was hope yet again. So at this time all I could remember was that it was a musical, there were kids selling newspaper and there was this cute guy in it. I did all the possible search I could, anything you could possibly think of, I did it. “kids selling newspaper musical”, “extra! Musical” (I thought the title had the word extra in it which was wrong no wonder la fail to find it), “musical kids extra”, “musical newspaper” and the list goes on. I even browse through child actors’ photo to see if any of them might be the cute guy. I was damn determined to find it but I didn’t even come close to identifying it so I gave up yet again and slowly started forgetting about it.

Over the years there are times when the memory would crawl back into my mind so I’ll start searching again but I didn’t really put much effort into it like before. Then I literally forgot about it. That’s when they say you’ll find it right? Turns out its true! (But it took damn long lor) Just now I was sorting out movie titles on a website and there it was number 5 on the list, Newsie! Okay so it didn’t like jump out at me cause it was such a long time ago plus out of the possible title I thought of Newsie was never considered. But I was intrigued how come this movie that I have never heard of was number 5 in the list so I imdb-ed it and there it was! This was the movie I was searching for all those years ago!

I’m over the moon right now :D I love this feeling of rediscovering a part of your childhood that you have forgotten about. It brings this calmness in me and a good reassuring that everything will be fine. Oh and btw you wouldn’t believe who the cute guy is.

Christian Bale! (If he was an unknown actor I might actually not kick myself for never figuring that out).

Song of the moment : Florence + the Machine - Dog Days are Over(Acoustic)

Clockwatching

2010-03-01T14:57:00.001+08:00

Walking home doesn’t feel right anymore. The falling leaves and the red coloured cabs bring us back to a different time. A time where things were easy, and no one had to be on their toes all the time, constantly being cautious of what they might say or what secret they might accidentally blurt out. One syllabus answers gives so much away and unspoken words never seem so loud.

Walking home was something to look forward to. Crossing the street together or having someone hold your hand even waiting for you on the other side reminds us we are not alone. Life was neither complicated nor grey. Silence used to be nothing but comfort but now it’s full of awkwardness that it makes me want to scream. When you’re happy, I’m carefree but when you’re unpleasant, I pull away. I hate that but you love it and apparently that’s why we are able to survive, so they say.

Walking home is something I dread now. The sky is getting dark so I put on my sweater. I’m afraid for the rain that is coming but I welcome it anyway. At a different time, comfort and stability was what brought and kept us together. Sometimes I get a glimpse of those moments and my day shines brightly. But a slight wind would cause the candle to burn out then there would just be me, you and the darkness.

Walking home is tiring. There are still 873 steps to home. Some things do stay the same but now it feels longer. Being home by 4pm is no longer an option. Things change and people change but my only wish is that we don’t. Replacements are inevitable but the truth is they don’t even come close.

Walking home feels lonely and movies are not the same anymore.

Song of the moment : Metric - Gimme Sympathy (Acoustic)

Conversations

2009-12-04T15:05:00.002+08:00

Two years ago I didn’t even have to think twice before making that decision. I would have done anything just to be there. Now, things changed, people changed and priorities have changed. So much has happened over the past year and it’s such a shame that I couldn’t share them with you.

Gone were the days where you knew everything that was going on in my life. I wish I knew the point where our relationship changed maybe I could have helped. There’s no one to blame for this thing happening. We got lost in our own life and day by day we were pushed further apart until we couldn’t even see each other anymore. This is not the first time this has happened and things were looking up last year.

Somewhere along the way you changed and yea maybe to you I was the one who changed but I’m reaching out now but it seems that you’re not willing to meet me halfway. I waited for weeks and everyday I was disappointed. I promised I wouldn’t make the first move because I needed to know what I was to you. And finally yesterday I got my answer. It saddens me that it’s going to end this way.

Maybe I was too optimistic in thinking that 10 years from now we would still be having our weekly coffee outing and you would still be part of my life. I wonder if you still remember what you said 4 years ago, if you even meant it at all.

Song of the moment: The Cinematic Orchestra - To Build A Home

Belle of the Boulevard

2009-11-08T15:17:00.003+08:00

Your timing sucks. You seem to always catch me in a bad mood. Maybe just thinking of talking to you puts me into one, I don't know. And I'm sorry for that I really am. I know you don't believe me. You seem to think that I don't care and maybe it's cause I don't show it and I'm sorry for that too but it's difficult for me to show it when you don't give me a chance. It sucks that I don't feel comfortable enough with you. If I had a wish it would be that our relationship was different. I am not going to ruin this apology with an excuse. So I'm really sorry and I promise that I will work harder. I mean it this time. They say you can't miss something that you never had, but I miss us.

A Daily Anthem

2009-09-07T11:31:00.002+08:00

The things I learnt over the weekend

1. Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely
2. The Final Destination was gross - not recommended
3. Beth Cooper was not bad (maybe cause I had such low expectation hahahah)
4. People who just met you would be impressed by you but I'm immune to it now and sometime I think it's annoying (but i still love you)
5. You do not defy me
6. Majority of us hate you but I'm one of the minority
7. Indecisive people annoy me
8. I have a newfound respect for you
9. I miss you.

Note to self: the past always always trump the present.

Song of the moment: Drive - Bersama Bintang

Famous Last Words

2009-08-03T01:37:00.001+08:00

Just beacause you can't see me,
doesn't mean I'm not there.

Time Won't Let Me Go

2009-07-02T20:06:00.003+08:00

How do you decide, when you are put in between your future and your past? The past is what made you who you are now. And the future is where you will be. The past will definitely have an upper hand as it has been with you your entire life. But the future holds something unknown. I've known you less but I can't deny the potential that you have.

For now the past has won but who knows what the future might bring.

Song of the moment: Laura Marling - Ghosts

Fall For You

2009-06-15T16:44:00.001+08:00

"are you happy?

right here in your arms, i'm happy."

Something passed between them, something unsaid but as loud as if it had been shouted

Song of the moment : Kris Allen - Heartless

Crack the Shutters

2008-11-27T01:15:00.003+08:00

All the things that has been going on in my life, some good and some bad, has taught me a lot of things. This past year I've been let down, appreciated, used, loved, disappointed, lied to but most importantly I've been accepted.

Two years has past and I'm blessed. I've learn so many things, met so many people and be given opportunities that I know I would never get if I had stayed to be with you.

So what is it that they saw in me that you didn't? Or is it what they didn't see in me but you did?

Batchmates, coursemates and most importantly, friends
Believe it or not even after two years of being in the same class together, I still manage to meet new people this semester.

The guys of Chemy July 06/07

The girls of Chemy July 06/07

New responsibility

Hopefully next year will be better cause if not then I could just die.

New family
The biggest part or change for that matter that I've been through.

Song of the moment: Lisa Hannigan - Ocean and A Rock

Islands in the Stream

2008-06-27T19:27:00.010+08:00

Photos of our trip in chronological order

presenting the 10 of us

9.15pm - waiting for the bus at hentian putra

Day One

6.00am - breakfast at kuala besut

8.30am - chilling while we wait for the boat to take us to the island

10.00am - experiencing an ass hurting boat ride

3.00pm - swimming with the fishies :)

4.00pm - photo taken by justin who found himself "sick" again.
i think its a tradition that he gets "sick" at every trip hahaha

Day Two

10.30am - group photo on the rocks

10.45am - posing with the guys without their pants on wtf

2.00pm - whats a beach holiday without building sandcastles
3.00pm - preparing for our afternoon nap time hahaha
we take naps after every lunch wtf

4.00pm - dozing off with the sound of the waves in the background is the best

Day Three

11.00am - off to long beach for more eye candy, snorkeling, hole digging
and an experience to die for

2.00pm - chilling in the hole we dug which managed to fit all 10 of us
2.30pm - look its a banana boat! photos of them before splitting

6.15pm - haha we're gonna get losttt. damn you sunset :P

8.00pm - everyone safely at coral bay jetty. when we got back to cocohut
nearly everyone there knew we had gotten lost -_-

11.00pm - the last supper

Day Four

2.00pm - lunch is served. we only had chips and biscuits

4.00pm - byebye perhentian

photos courtesy of darren and suann.

Song of the moment: Sara Bareilles - Love Song

Belief

2008-06-18T03:18:00.003+08:00

Right now, I don't know whether to feel excited or upset. I mean I've been waiting for this for so long and as days went by my hope was slowly slipping away. So I convinced myself that there was no point fretting over this matter. At first it was difficult, every little thing reminded me of you. But gradually I did manage to forget, until today. Just seeing those familiar words brought back all these feelings and memories that should have just stayed in the past.

Song of the moment: Glen Hansard - Lies

Twenty Years

2008-05-19T10:57:00.001+08:00

Well I've been running from something
Twenty years in my car
Down a road that's leading me nowehere
Yeah we drive through the farmland
No one knows where we're from
Could I kiss you and make you a queen?
Or something in between

Do you want to see it
The place where I was free?
Cos in my mind I need it
But you're nowhere near to me

Move to new york city
Take your woman by the hand
Leave her there with your things on the doorstep
And there's no way around it
Could this be our last dance?
So fall asleep with the tv darling
I'll be back again

Do you want to see it
The place where I am free?
Cos in my mind I've been there
And there's no one here but me

In the morning it'll find you
Let the light shine away
Down a road that's leading me nowhere
And there's no way around it
Could this be our last dance?
Just fall asleep with the tv darling
I'll be back again
I'll be back again

-Augustana

Stop and Stare

2008-03-14T01:09:00.003+08:00

The people have finally spoken

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.
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.
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.
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.
.

Well done and well said.

Power to the people!

Song of the moment : Earlimart - Bloody Nose

Three Wishes

2008-02-28T01:25:00.003+08:00

It's not that I'm being pessimistic or negative

I'm just being realistic

Those kind of things only happen in fairy tales and I'm pretty sure I'm not in one

But that's not to say I don't wish upon a star.

~~Song~~ Album of the moment : Juno Original Soundtrack

Hmmm

2008-01-13T02:49:00.001+08:00

You know what's really weird? No. Well here's your lucky day cos I'm gonna tell you. Have you ever been in a situation where you just discovered a new word, a word you that before this you have never ever heard of, and then once you've learn the word it's like everywhere! Newspapers, books, tv and even on freaking menus wtf. It's like the world learn the word the same time you did. What's up with that? Coincidence? I don't think so. Cos this thing has happen to me like 3 times already and the third one is the straw that broke the camel's back (cheh wah). So what the hell is going on? Sigh. I was in the mood for writing and this is what I came up with? wtf.

Ok ok so I wanna sum up what has happened during my holidays (which is going to end soon. TAK NAK!) but I'm only gonna tell you the happy things haha. My first week was spent in Penang where I got to bond with the cousins then we went to Bukit Merah where I drove my dad's car without him knowing it haha so don't tell him that, seriously. Then I got back to KL and finally started my driving lessons haha well I actually planned on having my P license by the time I wrote this post but sadly I don't have them yet and I don't want to talk bout that dreaded day for many other depressing reasons haha. Aaanyways a few days later I went to a camp in PD where I got to hang wit my Nowhere Uni friends and had weird late night convo and unexpected revelations.

Then on the 21st we had a really cool secret santa thing for Christmas (so cool that we're making it an annual thing, I hope) and after that we went to jin hang's place to play nintendo wii and poker haha, skip a few days and we were hanging out on Christmas eve at *drum rolls* McDonalds haha, had an awesome new years at freds place (we miss you freddy!) where we played a resolution game (btw mine was to be someone that I would like and the other is to be happy with what happens and have no regrets on what didn't happen, now thats deep haha kidding, sorry inside joke. and oh ya i would also like to steal jon's resolution which is to love the family more), then after some miscommunication we had bbq at haow kang's place (which i like better than yours fred haha kidding again) which is also a farewell thing for those leaving in january sob sob and finally saying goodbye to the leaving friends at the airport.

So it has been a very eventful holiday as you can see and of course the bestest is being able to hang out with the best friends gossiping and talking bout everyone who is not there aka our bonding time haha. I'm gonna miss you guys!

Song of the moment : A Fine Frenzy - Ashes & Wine

Almost, But

2007-12-05T03:38:00.000+08:00

Hey, so if you actually know me you'll know that I'm not the most open person in the world. I keep everything inside for reasons that I myself don't quite understand. I rarely let anyone in and if someone gets too close I pull away.

Aaaanyways I was thinking about death a lot the couple of days (maybe cos I was at the hospital a lot) and I began to wonder what if I had died (don't worry I'm fine) and no one got to know the real me. My family and friends would have memories of who they think is me but in reality it's actually not. And that scared me cos I won't be there to tell them how wrong they are, no one will. Then I thought about what my friends and family would say about me and how they would contradict each other which I think would be pretty funny (for me) and shocking (for them).

I am actually 2 different people (no not in a nikki/jessica way). Who I am with my family is different with who I am with my friends. Which is the real me? Most definitely not who I am with my family. Believe it or not my family are the ones who have no freaking idea who I am but sadly they think that they are the one who actually knows me. Well here's the truth who I am to my friends are pretty close to who I truly am but not quite yet. I still hold back when I'm with them. Maybe cos I'm afraid, of what I'm not sure.

So in case I die (which everyone will sooner or later, hopefully later) here's something that you most probably don't know bout me (actually one person do know bout this, but she might have forgotten). I create, make up, narrate, whatever you want to call it, stories in my head. I would have a storyline and everything based on fictional characters and sometimes based on non-fictional characters. All my stories are usually very angst and deals with real life situation. I won't tell you what its about nor will I share them cos that would be too much.

I don't know why I do it. Maybe cos I'm bored and have nothing better to do or cos I hate my life and so I create another world where I can escape or maybe cos I was a writer in my pass life or maybe it's because I have no life. Yes I'm feeling really down bout myself right now. And all that I can think about is to just go somewhere far away and escape everything. But I'll come back though cos no matter what running away is not the answer.

Sorry bout the angst post everyone. Btw here's a quote that I keep hearing and it can't seem to get out of my head

"Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else"

Song of the moment : The Last Goodnight - Pictures of You

It's over. It's so over.

2007-11-16T13:21:00.000+08:00

I had so much hope on you

You were the one that wasn't going to disappoint me

You were suppose to make it all better

I expected this from the rest but never from you

Thats why its hurting so much more

But I dont blame you

Its not your fault

I only have myself to blame.

Jigsaw Falling Into Place

2007-11-08T00:54:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm on top of the world!

And no one can take this feeling away from me, especially not you.

Song of the moment: Dave Barnes - Until You

Where There's Gold...

2007-11-02T21:43:00.001+08:00

Time flies. Kelip mata buka mata kelip mata buka mata and it is already nearing the end of my 3rd semester at Nowhere Uni. My finals is in a week or so and biasala i'm so not prepared for it. I think this would be THE semester. I can feel it in my guts. But watever, I dont care. Seriously.

I've been thinking, why should i try so hard to excel in something when it is not something i want to truly do? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I dont give a shit. I do. I'm not that selfish cos if I was then I wouldn't be here. But here's the thing it's in my nature to want to be good in everything that I do. But maybe this time I could make an exception. Cos maybe i'm just tired. Tired of trying to keep everyone happy.

So this semester I acted a little selfish. I did the things that I want. And everything turned out great. I made new friends (well some were not exactly new la. I mean we were friends before but now we became friends, got it? ahhaha) and I was involved in one of the biggest event here which is EDX 20 (Engineering Design eXhibiton).

EDX is an event held every semester where students from third and final year are able to present their designs/projects to be judged. This semester EDX20 introduced a new category which was open innovation (OIC) where anyone was able join. So one of my friends decided to take a chance and enter us in. Luckily for us we got one of our lecturers as an advisor and he gave us his idea on what we should do. And let me tell you preparing for EDX was a whole lotta fun. Plus my group members were awesome. No one could have pick a better team.

Aaaanyways here are some photos that we took

Pre-EDX

The EE Lab where we did our circuit
( We felt so out of place as we were from chemical and petroleum programme)

Our work table
(it looks very organized rite? actually I wanted to make it look messy but then tak berjaya)

Cheh concentrationg konon

Kuhan smiling at God knows what
(See those rulers on the table? We have no idea where they are now)

Adonis and I posing with our finished base

Presenting "A System to Uphold Exam Integrity"
(it looks so lonely...)

Our finished poster
( We stayed up till 5.30am to finish it!)

Taking a break while designing our booth

EDX 20 - Day One

Opening Ceremony of EDX 20 at undercroft
(its located below our chancellor complex; so we're actually "underground")

I want! I want! I want!

The team minus Adonis cos he went back to change wtf

CheatBusters
(such a lame name, i know. trust me the previous name was lame-r)

Our very "shy" system
(first time its being shown to people)

Kuhan presenting, Nirash looking confused and Adonis well I have no idea

Our system being judged (wah... center of attention...)

Me with the system (poyonyer)

First time EDX was held at the Chancellor Complex
(the building behind me is the library)

EDX 20 - Day Two

We won! We won!
(We won the gold medal, got 2nd for most innovative award and was awarded best presenter for OIC)

The complete team
(from left: Kuhan, Adonis, Dr Balbir, Nirash, Me, Aiman)

Song of the moment : Matchbox Twenty - How Far We've Come

Turning Point

2007-10-30T01:53:00.000+08:00

You know that feeling when you want something so badly but you end up not getting it and instead someone else gets it. It gets worse when that person dont even appreciate the oppurtunity that they are given. Life's not fair. I've known this since forever but the dissapointment is still there.

Usually when I dont get something that I really really want I'd be in this really bad mood and I dont talk to my friends (and they would think that I was mad at them but actually I'm not, well to some of them that is) and my whole day would just sux and all I wanna do is just go back to my room and sleep and pretend like nothing happened. But of course I can't do that. Why? Cos life's like that.

Then after a few days (one week tops) I'd eventually get over the dissapointment and just learn to accept the descision. Thats how I usually deal with things that I dont like happening to me. I'd just make myself realise that somehow there's a reason for everything that happens, that God has this plan for me to go through all this. But unfortunately I would only realise this after a few days and by that time the damage is already done.

Song of the moment : Dashboard Confessional - The Shade of Poison Trees

October Baby

2007-10-07T16:48:00.000+08:00

wow emonyer post kat bawah tu
must have been one of those days. luckilly i'm over it, i think

so aaanyways eventhough i have like 4 tests coming up, 2 assignemts to hand up and 2 projects to be finished (hopefully by next week) I still had the time to watch all these amazing premieres

heres how i rate them

1. greys anatomy
2. heroes
3. prison break
4. desperate housewives
5. private practice

oh ya and tomorrows my bday!!! So to sort of celebrate i'm going to go out with some of my friends for dinner later tonight at pizza hut (see how sad it is here, the only decent place to eat is pizza hut!). I actually had something planned for this dinner but shit happens and its times like this that I remember why you can never replace them.

Song of the moment : Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young - Our House

She says

2007-09-26T03:31:00.000+08:00

All I want to know right now is

Did they even notice I wasn't there?

I kinda have a feeling I know the answer to that but I pray to God that I'm wrong. If its true that I'll finally know just how insignificant I am to them. Funny thing is they still dare to ask why I'd prefer spending time with everyone but them.

Song of the moment : Paolo Nutini - Last Request

Crashed

2007-09-04T19:45:00.000+08:00

WAKE UP!

That my friend was my long awaited wake up call which I've been waiting for since last semester but never came. Hence, the situation that I got myself into now. My so-called nilai dan pengajaran of the week

NEVER GO BACK WHEN YOU HAVE TEST THAT WEEK!

I went back and ended up I got 9.5/29 for my test. 9.5! 9.5!! And did I mention I had 2 freaking test on that day and this was the paper that I thought I did better at. So who knows what marks i'll get for the other paper, sigh.

Ya sure whatever... its just a test rite. Well I can't help it that I'm a nerd inside! Ahhaha

Aaaanyways today I managed to preoccupy myself of making an ambigram/anagram (all your fault sieutheng!) of my name which is quite easy (if you wanna make an ambigram that is) but nooooo I want an ambigram/anagram so first I had to think of a word to incorporate with my name and till now I havent found one ahhaha

So instead now at this moment (after getting an sms from my friend reminding me that I have a test tomorrow) I'll be focusing my attention on TPW. Bet you can't guess what that stands for haha

p.s. ya i know this post very takde isi but I havent blog in quite some time and I actually did have something in mind to blog about but last minute I thought better not la... so thats why you are left with this meaningless post and if you're still reading this I would like to apologize for wasting your time which you could have spent doing something else. And right now I'm just blabbing and procrastinating myself from actually switching off the computer and going to study (see I'm a nerd!). Ok la... I better stop now. Seriously.

Song of the moment : Sara Bareilles - Gravity

Bittersweet Symphony

2007-07-29T01:56:00.001+08:00

Yay! I've officially survived my first week in the uni that I love oh so much (can you taste the sarcasm?). The past week was busy busy busy. We had to fight for the lectures and tutorials that we wanted (so that our fridays are free of course), buy books and notes and on top of that I was involved in an event called Symphonyfest.

Symphonyfest is like a day for anyone who play or appreciate music to gather and have fun. It was a one day event but I was too tired to go for the morning session so I only went for the night performances and boy were they good. The classical and jazz orchestra, indian orchestra and chinese orchestra accompanied by the uni's choir members opened the show and they were totally awesome seeing that most of them only had a week to practise. The only down side was the choir's choice of song which was Belaian Jiwa and Warisan, too common for my taste.

But the performance that I was really looking forward to was by the gamelan group and they definitely did not dissapoint me. They totally rocked the night! The music that they played was so hypnotizing and by the end of the night I had convinced myself to learn to play an instrument (I think everyone who went left feeling like that ahhaha). Watching them play made me a little jealous that they have that talent. I definitely regret not learning to play an instrument when I was younger, sigh. But its ok my friend promised to teach me how to play drums and I'm now enrolled in gamelan ii so at least I'm making some progress, right?

After the students finished showing their talents and proving to people that we can also rock in music eventhough we are an engineering and technology university, the stage was given to two local artists, Cheryl Samad and Altimet. Cheryl opened with a big thank you for inviting her 'all the way' to tronoh (thats where the uni is located, fyi) which had the audience laughing cos we know that tronoh is like in the middle of nowhere but she thought that we were laughing cos she got the name wrong so that was pretty funny. Aaanyways they were actually here to promote their first albums respectively and sang a few songs for us. And honestly they were not bad. So support local artist yo!

The event ended at around 11.30 and I was suppose to stay for post event briefing till 2am so obviously I bailed and instead followed my friends out to mamak muahaha. Well here are some photos I took with my phone (which would explain the quality)

All rise!

Gamelan Group

Choir singing Jalur Gemilang accompanied by CNJ

Chinese Orchestra

The day will come...

Song of the moment : The Vines - Homesick

Hole

2007-07-15T01:34:00.000+08:00

Someone pointed out to me that I let people take advantage of me. That I put more into a relationship than the other person. I laughed and told her that it was completely untrue. Then she went on and list a few examples. But I didnt see those actions as them stepping over my head at all. I did them because they're my friends. Because friends are very important to me. Besides what's wrong with helping a friend in need? She answered, "when the said friend would not do the same thing for you".

Song of the moment : Elliot Smith - Between the Bars

Globes and Maps

2007-07-03T18:13:00.000+08:00

Friday, 29/06/2007
8.30am - 2.00pm
- Sieutheng and I arrived way too early at KL sentral (which was a good thing cos we ended up buying a map of Perak which helped us a LOT, trust me)
- at around 10 the rest of the roadtrip people started to arrive. had breakfast at McD and we were on our way
- first mission: squeezing 8 people with their luggages into an avanza that doesnt have a boot. Mission status : success
- second mission: finding a way out of kl and on to the highway. mission status : failed
- so there we were wandering around KL for half an hour until we finally managed to get on to the highway
- stopped at sg buloh at waited for darrens car
- once they arrived we delegated ourselves and headed towards bidor

avanza : jinz, me, fred, kok ket, rudy, ben, justin

darrens car : darren, josephine, christine, bev, sieutheng, sue ling
luggages : darrens car

2.00pm - 5.30pm
- according to darren he was going 80-90 km/h. the avanza was going 100-110 km/h but we didnt manage to catch up and instead held up the traffic ahhaha

- finally we arrived at bidor for lunch at the famous wantan shop
- we then decided to go to pasir salak to refresh our sejarah and also to re-enact the scene where jww birch got murdered
- with only a map to guide us we headed towards pasir salak (which turns out to be way off course but thats the point of a roadtrip rite)

- after about an hour plus of driving and making wrong turning and taking picture with durian and kelapa in the middle of the road and acting like a complete tourist we managed to find ourselves at the Pasir Salak Historical complex.
- we arrived at 4.25 and the complex was closing at 4.30 (great timing right?) aaanyways we walked around a bit, learned a few things, took photos and we were back on the road
- by this time everyone was so tired so we decided to head straight to penang

Somebody looks bored...

5.30pm - 8.30pm
- first thing we needed to do was find a way out of this place. ahhaha easier said that done even with a map.
- but we managed and ~~after a long time~~ soon we were back on the highway
- then it was just driving all the way

most of the time this was the car arrangement
avanza (the happening car ahhaha) : jinz, me, fred, kok ket, sieutheng, christine, ben, justin
darrens car : darren, josephine, bev, rudy, sue ling

8.30pm - 12.00am
- we're in Penang baby!
- paid the toll to get on penang bridge. 15 minutes later we're still not on the bridge eventhough its only 1km away from us (jam giler). justin who was excited at first since he has not been on the bridge before grew tired and kept asking his famous question "are we there yet?"

- finally we were on the bridge and everyone was hungry so we went to pulau tikus for dinner/supper
- they had char kuey teow while I had McDonalds ahhaha
- we sent josephine home and did a little snooping and had interesting conversation in the car while we got lost yet again
- finally arrived at the apartment at 12.02 am

Saturday, 30/06/2007
10.30am - 7.30pm
- everyone started waking up except for freddy who needed extra help to wake up ahhaha

- got ready and went to pick josephine up
- then with the help of a map we headed towards chulia street for their famous chicken rice
- after that we walked i repeat we walked under the hot sun towards jalan penang for their famous cendol and asam laksa but since everyone was full we only had cendol
- then we walked back to the car but not before stopping at 7-11 to cooldown our body (i think we stopped at the 7-11 three times and didnt buy anything)
- next destination : batu ferringhi baby! but first we needed to look at our map to see where it is ahhaha

- we arrived at the beach and in just a few minutes some of us decided to go parasailing (the most spontaneous descision made on the trip)
- then of course the most unforgettable moment of the trip happened. keyword : vomit. but names wont be mentioned to protect the said person ahhaha

- did a lot of camwhoring on the beach

- later headed back towards the apartment using a very winding road up and down the hill which caused the said person above and another one to get very sick.
- an hour later we arrived at the apartment where everyone cleaned up to go for dinner

9.30pm - 2.00am
- went out for dinner on macallister road
- had char kuey teow and oh jien overdose
- managed to get lost again (we got used to it)
- stopped at 7-11 to purchased what would turned up to be later named Peanut Butter Dip

- arrived at the apartment at 2am. the longest dinner we ever had.

Sunday, 1/07/2007
10.30am - 2.00pm
- everyone started waking up except for freddy, again
- we cleaned the house, packed our stuff and said goodbye

- we then went to lorong selamat to eat char kuey teow and oh jien again!
- after that at around 4 or 5 we made our way to the ferry. at this moment ben was doing the driving and for the first time justin wore his seatbelt ahhaha just kidding ben, you were a good driver.

- camwhoring again on the ferry and said goodbye to penang
- we managed to stop at 3 out of 3 stops along the way and even visited an arowana farm (totally random)
- then it was just driving all the way. and we changed drivers a few times so that everyone gets a chance to drive(note: the scarriest driver was justin cos he would always drive at 130km/h eventhough the limit was 110 km/h)
- while justin was driving we got caught in this huge jam before rawang so with nothing better to do we played truth or dare which later changed into dare or dare. the dares would not be mentioned here due to explicit reasons ahhaha. lets just say peanut butter, licking and body parts were involved. the rest is up to your imagination.

one of the dares

- around 11.00 we finally arrived in KL and we had dinner at where it all started, Stevens Corner.

Song of the moment : Landon Pigg - Keep Looking Up

Friend to a Stranger

2007-06-28T00:44:00.000+08:00

So I had lunch today with a friend that I haven't seen for about a year now. And I remember feeling really scared and nervous to go meet her. I'm like that everytime I go out to meet someone. Let it be friends who i've known nearly my entire life or even family, I'll get this unsettling feeling inside. No idea where it comes from.

Anyways on the way I kept thinking how awkward it was going to be. Like there'll be awkward silence cos we have nothing to say those kinda stuff. I even made a list of things in my head of what to ask and stuff to talk about just in case you know. But I didn't have to use them. Thank God.

I guess what I'm trying to say is how lucky it is to find someone you can talk to and that they are actually interested to hear what you have to say and not have to be afraid of what they might think of you. These friendships are rare and if you happen to be in one of them, hold on to it and never let go. Cos if you do trust me you'll regret it.

I used to have two very close friends. We were unseperatable, we would do everything together and most of the times it would get us into trouble. Those were the days when we would meet each other everyday without fail. Then as we grew older unfortunately we grew apart. I can't really remember the exact moment it all change but from that moment onwards we were strangers, literally.

Trust me I would do anything to get it back, to the way it was but it takes two to tango. Well I guess in this case it would take three.

Song of the moment : The Hereafter - Back Where I Was

Get the Picture

2007-06-11T23:14:00.002+08:00

So I've been studying at Nowhere Uni for about a year now and eventhough it took some time to get used to it, I'll have to admit its growing on me. So here are some pictures I took while walking around the campus =p

Presenting to you the place that I've been living at for the past year and many more years to come.

The Academic Complex where the labs and lectures are held

The Residential Area

The beautiful park at the center of the whole uni where nobody goes to (i wonder why...)

Random photos that we took that day

And this is the photo that we promised to take at the end of each year of our semester

The First of Me

2007-06-02T00:41:00.000+08:00

I know I promised some photos but there was some technical error and I don't know how to fix it. Sooooo I wasn't able to post them. But I will do it as soon as I get a useful soul to help me with the problem ahhaha. Aaanyways after giving up trying to post the photos i did this!

Name your top 10 most played bands/artist
(not in order)

Switchfoot
Damien Rice
The Fray
Augustana
Strays Don't Sleep
Keane
Snow Patrol
Travis
Howie Day
Dashboard Confessional

What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
Keane - She Has No Time

What is your favorite album of 8?
Travis 12 Memories

What is your favorite lyric that 5 has sung?
It's been a long year
Since we last spoke
How's your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can't get used to it
I'll never get used to it

Actually the whole song is AWESOME

How many times have you seen 4 sing live?
Never... unless you count on youtube ahhaha

What is your favorite song by 7?
Cliche answer - Run, other answer - Set the Fire to the Third Bar

What is a good memory you have involving the music of 5?
Discovering For Blue Skies

Is there a song of 1 that makes you sad?
Switchfoot - Yesterdays

What is the first song you heard by 9?
Howie Day - Collide

What is your favorite lyric that 2 has sung?
In truth I only really wanted
To be wanted by you

How did you get into 3?
I heard their song playing on One Tree Hill

What is your favorite song by 4?
Augustana - Boston

How many times have you seen 9 live?
Again never

What is a good memory you have involving 2?
The first conversation I had about him with someone

What is the first song you heard by 1?
Switchfoot - You

What is your favorite album of 6?
Keane - Hopes and Fears

What is your favorite lyric that 7 has sung?
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

What is your favorite song of 3?
The Fray - How To Save A Life

What is your favorite song of 10?
Dashboard Confessional - Don't Wait (Acoustic Version)

What is a good memory you have involving 4?
Introducing them to my friends

How many times have you seen 8 live?
I'm not even gonna bother to answer

What is your favorite album of 9?
Howie Day - Stop All The World Now

Is there a song of 2 that makes you sad?
Damien rice - 9 crimes

What is your favorite cover by 10?
DC did an awesome cover of REM - Everybody Hurts

Now I see why people do this... its fun!!

Song of the moment : Dashboard Confessional - Don't Wait (acoustic)

Happy Together

2007-05-27T21:49:00.000+08:00

Another 6 months has passed and I have to admit that I really prefer this 6 months compared to the previous. I don't know why maybe it's the new system or perhaps the company, who knows? This semester taught me a lot about friendship and the consequences of choices we made. I did things that I was never brave enough to do and i ended up enjoying myself. I was more relaxed this semester. There wasn't any day that we didn't laugh or joke around.

But the one thing that stands out about this semester is the fact that we organized a dinner for the chemical engineering july '06 batch. To be honest when I first heard about it I didn't think it was going to be a success. I mean we were only given a month to prepare for it! Plus we had assignments and finals coming up. But I was wrong, the dinner was AWESOME and a HUGE success. Sorry guys for having doubts about the dinner...

Building up to the event there was the usual drama; people not wanting to come (main issue), not enough budget, conflict between committee members etc. Hey not everything is going to work out the way you plan rite? Besides it wouldn't be complete without all this drama ahhaha. Anyways we manage to solve most of the problems (we had to go door to door ~~threatening~~ convincing people to come) and a few days before the dinner everything was settled.

Then came THE day. The whole thing went smoothly. The food was great (didn't really get to enjoy that part sob). The performance were awesome (except for one ahhaha). And everyone enjoyed themselves. By the end of the night we managed to achieved the main objective of our dinner which was to create "chemical bonding" (lame i know ahhaha).

p.s I'll post some pic later cause internet here sux and it will take aeons to upload them and I really don't have much time cos I have to sit for my finals in less than 10 hours haha wish me luck!

Song of the moment : Straylight Run - The Words We Say

Trouble In Here

2007-04-22T23:28:00.000+08:00

I'm not feeling so good about myself right now. I've been slacking and being very irresponsible. The whole weekend all I did was spend time in front of my computer and I didn't even revise anything! Actually thats like 5% of my problem. I'm not that big of a nerd ahhaha.

Whats really bothering me is how much I've changed as a person. I've forgotten my duties (REALLY important duties) and I've totally messed up my priorities. I've been taking everything for granted and putting all these little things in front of what really matters. And the worst thing is I feel guilty like shit but I'm not doing anything about it, which is what scares me. I used to be afraid of feeling guilty, knowing I did something wrong, and usually this would inspire me to change and make things better but now all I feel is guilt and then nothing.

Don't get me wrong. I desperately want to change, trust me, but everytime there's this voice inside of me making up all this excuses to procrastinate this change. And I'm afraid that one day I'm going to wake up and that guilty feeling is going to be gone. You see I've crossed this line in my life and the guilt is the only thing that's stopping me from losing sight of that line. Which means that if I lose this feeling I'm going to be lost and I just can't see how I'm going to get back to myself.

And to top it all I'm really angry and dissapointed at someone very important in my life (not by choice <-- thats a very mean thing to say) and this anger is making me do things just to piss her off. And so right now as I'm listening to Howie Day's album Stop All The World Now (you know to cool down cos it's such and AWESOME album! if you like his song Collide you would not be dissapointed with the rest of his songs), I'm re-thinking my decision to come back to kl this week.

Song of the moment : Howie Day - Brace Yourself

23

2007-03-23T01:56:00.000+08:00

Yea!!
I got it!!

I have been waiting a long long time to watch this movie and now the time has come. You have no idea how desperately I wanted to watch this and now its just a mouse click away! Ever since I saw the trailer I was hooked. I looked for it everywhere and I knew the probability of finding it was like low but I kept looking. Everytime I went to Singapore I would stalk all their video stores looking for the dvd. I didn't care how much it would cost me. I wanted to watch it damnit! And it killed me that it would never show in Malaysia not because of sensitive issues or anything but because the movie was in french and Malaysia don't usually screen french films. I remember coming very close to it once. I was in Bangkok and I was in the car when I looked out and there it was this huge ass poster of the movie right outside the theatre. I got all excited inside and all giddy but then I looked at the bottom of the poster and my heart sank. There in white capital letters were COMING SOON. NOOOOO I screamed. Why couldn't they just show it now when I was in town! But thats that now I have it right in front of me. Seriously I didnt think that this day would come so soon. It amazes me that I actually got what I wanted! Anyways I'm going to go watch it now byebye.

Oh ya the title of the movie is Jeux D'enfants (I asked a friend and apparently it means child's game or something like that) or the english title Love Me If You Dare.

Movie of the moment : Jeux D'enfants

Dead Wrong

2007-03-12T02:11:00.000+08:00

I don't even know where to begin. But I need to let this out or it would slowly consume me. I've been keeping this anger inside me and I'm just so tired of hiding it anymore. I hate how I'm always compared to you. You're their little angel. Everyday all I hear is "why can't you be more like her? she's so selfless". Oh please you're the most self centered person I know!

Everything has to be about you. And I hate the fact that no one can see who you really are. What's your problem seriously? Why is it so hard for you to help others for once? Everytime you ask for help I'll always be there even if I have exam the next day. I remember I even had to do an assignment for you once! You know I don't mind helping you but it would help if you'd return the favour once a while.

And it's not like I ALWAYS ask for your help whenever I have something to do. Not like some people. I would always have this feeling inside me whenever I'm on the phone with you helping you with your work (again) that if it was the other way around no way in hell will you be doing what I'm doing. You'll just make up excuses and in the end I'll have do it all by myself.

God I'm just so angry with you right now! You know I actualy don't really mind this at all. Let's just say I've grown immune towards it. But today was not a good day and you refused to help me when I desperately needed it hence this post. My phone is vibrating and a french song is heard but I'm not going to pick it up. There's always a first time for everything.

~~Song~~ Album of the moment : The String Quartet Tribute to The Fray

More Than Words

2007-03-06T13:17:00.001+08:00

I just finished reading a fanfic which I've never come across before which was odd cause on this particular fanfic website I've read almost all of the fanfic posted. The good, the bad even the ugly. So imagine my surprise to see this unfamiliar title. I looked up the author and was further surprised cause I've read the author's work before and she was one of the good ones. If you know what I mean. So why is it I haven't come across this work of hers? I clicked on the link and started reading it word by word. Every sentence, every paragraphed awed me.

You see I've been reading fanfic a lot but I've never written them. But I've dreamt about writing them though. I would make up stories in my head with all this fictional characters but I never told anyone (and now I've told you) well maybe one person knows about this. So I was reading this particular fanfiction and I felt a connection, a sense of familiarity. This was the kind of story that I would write if I could.

It has the correct combination of angst, romance, comedy and of course drama. Just by reading the prologue I was intrigued and soon it became my all-time favourite fanfiction. I could see how much work the author had put in this fanfiction of hers. There was just so much detail. She would put up pictures of the characters whenever they were first introduced. Pictures of places they're at or things they owned. And it was never over the top you know.

She thought about everything. But the one thing that really stands out was the quotes she'd place and the end of a scene. The quotes are so meaningful (i know thats why they're quotes) and fits the story just so perfectly. And most importantly it affects the reader in one way or another. This is what a good fanfiction is. Even after closing the page the words are still in your head, in your heart. You don't mind reading it over and over again just in case you missed something which is impossible since you read it word by word (yea i admit i read this story a few times). You cry with the characters. You feel their joy and even sadness. You'd visit the sit everyday just to see whether its been updated. It's very rare to find this kind of fanfiction which is why once you find it bookmark it!

The reason I’m actually writing this post is because the said fanfiction hasn’t been updated so I found myself reading the story again and I just had the urge to blog about it. And I really hope that it gets updated soon cause I want to know what happens next (she left us with a cliffhanger, evil right?)!

Some quotes taken from the story

"You can fall in love in an instant. It's letting go that takes time."

"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end."

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we're never the same."

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
~ Sam Keen

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth.

Courage is not the lack of fear but the ability to face it."

"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

Children make you want to start life over. ~Muhammad Ali

There are no secrets better kept than the secrets that everybody guesses.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine

Maybe part of loving is learning to let go. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of readiness to die. ~G.K. Chesterton

A stiff apology is a second insult.... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. ~G.K. Chesterton

Never ruin an apology with an excuse. ~Kimberly Johnson

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Life and death are balanced on the edge of a razor. ~Homer, Iliad

In bringing up children, spend on them half as much money and twice as much time. ~Author Unknown

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. ~Quoted by Alexandra Penney in Self

If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person. And mean it. You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so. It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other. ~Walter Anderson, The Confidence Course, 1997

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowper

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

Song of the moment : Vega4 - Life Is Beautiful

Lost

2007-01-30T23:56:00.000+08:00

Arghhhhh!

what happened?

was it human error?

or a technology mistake?

i hope its the latter.

Song of the moment : Joshua Radin - Closer

Is It Any Wonder?

2007-01-27T01:46:00.000+08:00

I can't even begin to describe it. That feeling I had. Seeing your name there. My heart started beating faster. And for awhile I couldn't stop smiling. I just kept staring at your name. I so badly wanted to tell someone or yelled it out loud for the world to know. But I didn't. Cause if the world knew then it would mean that you'd know. And as much as I want you to know, I really don't.

I took a deep breath and calmed myself. I mean it's just your name right? What's the big deal? But it is a big deal because it means that you actually did what I asked you to do. To be honest I didn't think you would actually do it. I thought you would just forget about it once you stepped out of the restaurant. But you surprised me.

I thought I had to pester you like crazy just like the first time for you to do it. I even had a whole plan and everything. The first time I had to wait for days until you finally did it. So this time I actually prepared myself for the wait. So imagine my surprise to see your name on the list. You actually did it and of course I accepted your invitation.

After that I did the usual things and I stumbled upon your name again. Right there on the top. What a surprise! And on the same day I might add. It was so random. I don't think you've done this before. Well there's a first for everything right? And my day which started out pretty crappy just got a whole lot better. So maybe 2007 won't be so bad after all.

And as I'm writing this I began to wonder. Will this ever go away?

Song of the moment : 8mm - Forever And Ever Amen

Reason To Believe

2007-01-17T00:12:00.000+08:00

I walked around saying hello to everyone while waiting for the guys to set up everything in front. I even managed to play a round of big 2. Funny how something that was usually associated with another part of my life can now be associated with the other and finally the two different parts of my life had something in common.

People started coming in. Those who belonged and those invited by friends. But none of it mattered. What started as a group of 30 people had now evolved to 60 people. We took our seats on the floor and waited for it to start. The opening music began and on the screen there was a white feather aimlessly going wherever the wind would take it. Just like our situation 5 days ago. Just doing whatever we were told to. No questions asked.

We've come so far from who we were. We've changed and it's for the better. As I look around I could see some sitting on the floor. Sitting on chairs. Lying on chairs they arranged. Some even lying on their friends. It was our last night at the place and we subconsciously decided to spent it together. Locked in a room. Holding on to our kain pelekat. Cos it was freezing like hell! While watching a movie.

As we were watching the movie we were greeted with a familiar face. Everyone was whispering, "hey is that guy from csi:ny". And just by seeing him in the movie we felt good and calmed. It was like the feeling where you know someone or something familiar in a strange place and you realise that you're not alone in this. Then nearing the end of the movie we were greeted again with another familiar face. He was so young in the movie. Prooving to us how old the movie is. And we started whispering again. This time it was "hey is that kid from A.I. and The Sixth Sense". To be honest I've watched this movie a few times but I've never realised him to be in there.

None of us expected this is how it would end. To be honest we had no expectations at all. But they we were, together. I'm pretty sure that this night would be the last time we would actually spend time with most of the people there. Cos once the movie ends and once we leave that room things would go back to the way it was. The room was like a twilight zone. When we enter it we were friends but once we walked out we were strangers again.

But that night in the room it was just us. No one cared what cliques you were in or what course you're doing. No one was worried about the exam results that was going to be out the next day. That night there was no one to give us pressure. For the two hours we were in that room it was enough to give us hope that we were going to be okay. All we have to do is believe in ourselves.

Here's a famous quote from the movie we watch
"Life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you're gonna get"

Song of the moment : Ray LaMontagne - Lesson Learned

The Forecast

2007-01-05T16:57:00.001+08:00

Don't think about it, just act on it!

Say hello to chances and goodbye to what ifs.

Song of the moment : The Calling - Our Lives

This Photograph is Proof (I Know You Know)

2006-12-10T14:18:00.000+08:00

i really really like you

not just like like but the real like you know

and i want something to remind me of this feeling

a picture, a song, a note, anything at all

but i've got nothing

i was so scared to let anything happen

not that it would but still

so i'm gonna take this chance

i'm gonna take lots of photo

and hopefully others will too

i saw a candid photo of you once

and the photo was simple

it was just you and her sitting

both of you were not doing anything

not even looking at one another

but when you see the photo you sense something

a connection of some sort

between you and her

we had that

didnt we?

maybe its the way the photo was taken

but it doesnt matter

i want something like that with you

a song that speaks about us or

a note you wrote to me or

a photo that i could keep

just a memory of us being us

to remind me that what we had was real

"And truth I only really wanted
To be wanted by you"

Song of the moment : José González - Heartbeats

Vindicated

2006-12-02T20:50:00.000+08:00

You can't lose me.

I should have said this a long time ago near the end of july to be exact.

Sorry it took so long.

Song of the moment: Athlete - Chances

X and Y

2006-11-19T00:07:00.000+08:00

It's not the same anymore. It wasn't like it used to be. You're different. You've change. I can't get used to this change. I don't think I ever will.

I've tried but it's just too hard cos I'm so used to the old you. I remember there was a time when I look forward to seeing you everyday. I would be filled with excitement because I would be able to learn something new about you that I haven't discover yet. That feeling is now a stranger to me. I can't even remember the last time I felt that way about you.

What am I suppose to do? I have to face you in a couple of days and for the first time I'm unprepared. For the first time I'm actually afraid of you.

Song of the moment: Placebo - Post Blue

Crashing Down

2006-10-14T14:09:00.000+08:00

You wanna know what the problem is?

Why I'm acting so weird around you

Why whenever you're near i become cold and distant

Its you!

You're ALWAYS around

Everytime I turn around you're there

It was never a problem before but now

I feel like I'm suffocating or something

Everything you do seems to irritate me

I can't even look you in the eye anymore

I need space

Thats all I'm asking from you

And I also need you to stop asking me what the problem is

Cos I don't think you'll be able to handle the answer

I hope I can get through this

For your sake.

Song of the moment : 30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill

Good times Bad times

2006-10-01T11:22:00.000+08:00

upside : my new room is slightly larger than my previous room
downside : i have to share the room with someone else

upside : i've made lots of new friends
downside : i miss my old friends

upside : i'm far away from my family
downside: i'm far away from my family

upside : i've been given this oppurtunity
downside : it's not what i want

upside : the campus is beautiful, very modern and stuff (the academic complex) and HUGE
downside : to go from one lecture to another you have to WALK (tiring much)

upside : there's no curfew. you can go out whenever you want
downside : i don't have a car

upside : food is great
downside : the money is also great

upside : i get to be who i really am
downside : i'll just have to figure out who first

upside: i get a new life
downside : i miss my old life

Song of the moment : Damien Rice - 9 Crimes

Escape

2006-07-11T00:45:00.000+08:00

I'm relieved to be honest. I dunno why. But I am. It's weird cos relieved is not the first thing that comes to my mind you know. But there it is.

My escape. A way out of the world I never truly fit in and into a brave new world. Hopefully there I'll be able to be who I truly am and not just someone who everyone wants me to be.

I'll finally be free. No more dreading going to gatherings desperately wishing to be somewhere else and seeing those fake people who doesn't give a shit about you. No more feeling like you don't belong with people who you've known for the past 10 years. No more having to put up with people who annoy you like shit. No more nagging. No more accusation. No more pretending to be happy. No more pretending to be what I'm not.

But despite all that there's also a part of me who's afraid to leave. Leave the place I call home. The place where I feel safe. Well, most of the time that is.

They say once you leave home, you can never really return to it. A friend told me this while we were having dinner and I never realised how true it was till now.

“There is always a moment you can look back on,
a single instant that you remember for the rest of your life –
something that makes you go,
‘that was it, that was the time my life changed forever’.
And you know you’re never the same, because of that
One, solitary moment.”
- Paulina Pavo

Song of the moment : Augustana - Boston

The Beautiful Letdown

2006-06-24T12:18:00.000+08:00

Part i

You can do it.
I can't.
Yes you can.
No I can't.

Isn't it easier to say that you can't than be really disappointed later on? Cos when optimism is shown hope appears and if things don't go well you end up disappointing yourself and the people around you.

So if there's no hope in the first place and things don't go well you won't feel so let down right? and if things do go well wouldn't everyone just be overjoyed. So isn't this a more win win situation?

Cos disappointment sucks. Especially when the disappointment ends up being you.

Part ii

It hurts me to see you like this. Knowing I'm the main cause. It was never my intention to make you feel like that. All i want is whats best for you.

So I'm sorry for everything that I've done to you. I'm sorry for pressuring you. I'm sorry for not believing in you. I'm sorry for not being there for you. And I'm sorry for giving up on you.

And I really hope one day you'll be able to look past this and forgive me. Cos you are special in your own ways. And screw those people who can't see it.

Song of the moment : P.O.D. - Let You Down

Chasing Cars

2006-06-13T12:39:00.000+08:00

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Snow Patrol

The Fallen

2006-04-12T22:20:00.000+08:00

So went for the Petronas interview just now. It was from 8 to 2 and the interview is only for National Service people. So there was only like 9 of us. The whole thing was quite easy actually. No research had to be done or anything. We first had to take some multiple choice question consisting of grammar and those picture sequence thing (like mensa) then after that we were given a case study and would have to present it both individually and as a group.

Which is when the "fun" started ahhaha. Oh man the one on one interview didn't go so well. My mind was like blank. Plus I was so freaking nervous. Shiat. I told you my interview skills sux. I didn't like totally screw it up though but there was so much space for improvement. I could have definitely done much better. The group thing went okay I guess. I really like my group. We worked well together.

Anyways what's done is done. I'll just have to work harder next time.

Man I'm going back to NS tomorrow (no...........). And I don't think there's anymore holidays so I guess I won't be able to come back to KL for another 2 months. Shiat I didn't even get the chance to watch Gubra and I'm gonna miss the premiere of Da Vinci Code. This sux...

you left me a missed call
what did you wanna say
was it good or bad?
should i be worried?
or were you just calling to say you arrived safely
i guess i'll just have to wait for tomorrow for the answer

Song of the moment : Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

Holiday from Real

2006-04-11T17:54:00.000+08:00

Hellllloooo!!! So right now i'm on my 4 days break from NS (i wish it was longer ahhaha) which is gonna be filled with sleep, sleep and lots of sleep. Seriously though how do they expect us to have enough rest when we sleep at 12 wake up at 5 and the rest of the day is filled with outdoor activities. Tired wei. So far the whole thing has been very surreal. It still hasn't sink in that I'm actually there you know. The whole thing is like a dream.

Oh and did you know we eat like 6 times a day! Trust me you'll never get hungry. I remember before I went for NS some of my friends advised me to bring lots of food cos the food there sux but surprisingly the food at my camp is not bad. But of course you don't have any choice la. It's not like a buffet or anything ahhaha.

Anyways I found out a couple of days ago that I was shortlisted for the Petronas scholarship and will have to go for the interview tomorrow. Scarrrry. I'm scared and nervous like shiat.

But I know that this is my chance and I'm gonna make the best of it cos recent events has taught me that we should always be grateful with what we have as some people are not as lucky as us. There's this friend that i met at camp whose experienced has really affected me. He had to go through a lot of cabaran and dugaan at such a young age (seriously his life is like one of those malay novel tema you know). Before this I never knew people like him so when he opened up to me it really made me appreciate the people in my life. And just recently while I was having lunch he called me bearing bad news. My heart really goes out to him and hopefully he'll be able to go through it and not give up and remember that he is not alone.

Maybe we all need a little bit of rescuing,
from whatever it is that we fear, that we hate, that we run from.
There are the knights-in-shining armor who will come into our lives,
deliver us from evil, and save us from ourselves.
But then there are those, the quiet heroes,
who can find what is worth saving within us,
but also reach out, and ask to be saved…
So maybe we all need a little bit of rescuing,
But maybe, in the end, what we really need is to be rescuing each other.

- Maria Abbott, “A Single Affirmation.”

Song of the moment : Strays Don't Sleep - For Blue Skies

It Ends Tonight

2006-03-17T00:45:00.000+08:00

So on sunday I'll be going to Kem Pinggiran Pelangi, Bandar Muadzam Shah, Pahang. Its getting closer and I am still not prepared both physically and mentally. I haven't even packed yet. Dude I have less than 3 days man. Shit.

Anyways I had dinner with my friends just now. It was okay but got a bit sad la since I won't be able to see most of them for quite awhile and would also most probably be the last time I see one of them. Family and friends are very important in my life so to not be able to see them for 3 months kinda sux. Sigh...

"The thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility that it might come true. And when you lose that possibility... it just kind of sucks."

-quoted from CSI

Song of the moment : Switchfoot - Always Something

It Dawned On Me

2006-03-07T13:17:00.000+08:00

OMG its finally here. After months of waiting I finally got THE letter. And now it's just lying there on the table. I haven't opened it yet though. I already know whats inside so whats the rush right? Sigh.

I seriously can't believe its actually happening to me. I mean what were the chances right? I know going there is a good thing for me but still... its a huge change you know. And I hate change especially the feeling of not knowing whats gonna happen.

Plus 3 months is a long time. There's a lot of stuff that can happen in 3 months. People can change, friends can leave, birthdays will come and go, the price of petrol may increase again (lame i know) and then there are some things that will end and I won't be able to be there.

But dah takdir kan so apa nak buat. I guess I'll just have to accept it and make the best of the situation. And as Jovann might say "saya pasrah".

No more swimming in the d-nile river for me.

Song of the moment : Phantom Planet - Lonely Day

Points of Authority

2006-03-05T14:25:00.000+08:00

And so it has started. Today's newspaper was filled with university and scholarship ads.

So what will it be accounting or actuarial science?

A descision has to be made. Fast.

Song of the moment : Linkin Park - Numb

Change is Gonna Come

2006-03-03T21:47:00.000+08:00

So in a few weeks my world will be turned upside down.

Can't wait.

Song of the moment : Keane - We Might As Well Be Strangers