Here

Recent events have taught me that you can't please everyone. No matter what you do someone will get upset or disagree with the decision you make. I'm in a situation where I am choosing not to choose any sides. Call me a coward but at this point of time, with the knowledge I have, that to me is the best decision I could make. But somehow there are these particular group of people who are upset that I didn't choose sides. So I am choosing to ignore them. Even if there are family.

My Racing Thoughts

There are days where I accept the situation. And my heart says everything will be okay. That this is the right step for me. And I feel calm

Then there are days where I feel so restless and I can't think straight. My heart feels like it's hurting and all I want to do is scream.

Part of me can't wait for this to be over but I'm not going down without a fight. I just need to figure out which side to be on.

Blindsided

I'm nervous as hell but I'm too scared to do anything about it. I think I'm not ready but I pray that I'm wrong. My heart is beating like a hammer, waiting anxiously for the day to arrive. I know I should do something about it but every time I'll distract myself instead. Finding reasons to delay the inevitable. And before you know it time is running out. I should spent my nights preparing and thinking of what to say but instead all I do is wishing I was there with you.

Rumour Has It

we should learn to question why we do something instead of blindly following just because its the norm. everything happens for a reason.

Cause when the roof cave in and the truth came out I just didn't know what to do

I know this hurts, it was meant to
Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one

Thoughts of you warm my bones

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

And just like that we're back to square one.

Song of the moment : Angus and Julia Stone - You're the One That I Want

Waves of Change

three different countries. three different company. three different experience. three very different feelings.

1. I imagined going here with a larger group but even with just the 3 of us I had fun. We were just acquaintances but we left this place as friends and that is something I will never regret.

2. After years of wanting to go here it finally happened. We did it guys and this was such a great way to celebrate what we have achieved. I can't wait for our next trip!

3. Probably the most tiring, the most anticipated, the most pressured and the most memorable trip. all the hard work payed off and even if you think we left empty handed in truth we gained so much more especially in terms of relationship. We have become so much closer and it hurts to know how much more you will achieve and knowing I can't be part of it. Whatever it is just know that you make me proud every day.

Song of the moment : Whitley - More Than Life

Delicate

So many things were left unsaid and as I sit here, I'm overcome with this rush of feeling that I never thought was possible. The loss that I've experienced has never hurt as mush as this. Looking around and seeing the empty chairs only makes it worst. We have come so far but every beginning has an ending and unfortunately this is ours. You have a bigger journey ahead of you and I would give anything to be part of that but it is time for me to let go and watch you grow.

You have taught me a lot and I'm sorry if I didn't show my appreciation or have hurt your feelings in any way. I wish you guys all the best and I hope that the time we have spent with each other means as much to me as it does to you. They haven't invented words for how proud I am of you. To have experienced this with you guys was an honour that I could never imagine. If I could have one wish it would be for this moment to last forever.

Song of the moment : Emy Reynolds - Tonight

Love Lost

This fight was inevitable. The minute we got together I could already feel it. We were two very different people with two very distinct ways of thinking. I see black and you see white. But then maybe that's why we worked. You see things I don't see and vice versa. We were able to cover all the bases. Of course there were fights, the small bickering, butting of heads on which path to take, that was unavoidable. But in the end what brought us back to track was the purpose we were together. And we would compromised and everything would be fine, great even.

But lately we've been fighting more and we can't seem to be on the same page. I already had a feeling a big fight was coming and I prepared myself to keep cool. Unfortunately luck was against us and we fought when both of us was at the lowest. The funny thing is that it wasn't even a big issue just a little misscommunication. Sadly here we are on two opposite sides but still maintaining the facade and being strong in front of the rest.

I've always disagreed the way you handle yourself when you're around them. Speaking so highly of people who are rarely around. But I kept my mouth shut cause that was a battle I knew I was going to lose. When it comes to them you could never think clearly. But maybe now that I'm gone you will finally realize how much weight I was actually carrying.

Typing this has made me realize that the reason I am mad at you is because I think you are taking advantage of me and it's like you don't appreciate the things I do. I doubt I'll ever hear your reasons for being mad at me. But who knows maybe there will come a time when we would be able to talk with each other without spite and awkwardness.

So goodbye for now and even if I do disagree with what you decide later I shall keep my word and mouth shut.

Song of the moment : Jason Walker - Down

Cold Wind Blows

i know that sometimes i make you mad. how my words just comes out without thinking what it means or how it makes you feel. and once it does it's something that i can never take back. but i just want you to know how much i love you for never staying mad.

Sang Mantan

wow this feeling is so overwhelming. rushing back into me. and i thought i was over it. maybe i am. maybe this is just the aftermath. something you can't avoid. i cant help but feel envious. every time i look at the two of you i cant help wanting the same thing. one year of not seeing each other. one year of not talking except for happy birthday and thank you. and now that i'm seeing you in front of me it all comes rushing back. i want my fairy tale ending too.

Song of the moment: Sia - I'm In Here (Piano Version)

Down River

1. Just because we accept something doesn't mean that we agree to it. We have the right to be angry and saddened at a loss.

2. Asking ourselves "Why this is happening to me?" won't do any good. Instead ask, "What can I do about it?"

3. Everything happens for a reason. There will be light even in the midst of all the darkness.

NOTE: If you want people to understand you and support you make sure you apologise for the miscommunication/misunderstanding and do not act defensive. Cause all they want is your respect and support.

Song of the moment: Joan Armatrading - The Weakness in Me

Cannonball

Now that this is coming to an end my biggest what ifs is what if I had been there instead? Would we have happened?

The more I know you, the more sure I am we could never be.

We've got really bad timing. Perhaps we shall be more in sync in the future.

The first time I followed a bad instinct over someone, it was with you and I don't regret the decision I made. It made me witness something great and you can't take that away from me.

Thank you for your random texts. Don't stop.

I can't wait for you to grow up.

You are definitely a catch even though you don't see it yet.

I'm going to miss you once this is over even though we will actually see more of each other.

Knowing you has made this easier.

I hope this doesn't stop.

Meeting you has made me more aware of people like you and taught me not to be so gullible. You have been great to me and all and I consider you my friend but I'm sorry that I just can't seem to believe you.

You are definitely one of a kind.

I know this might sound presumptuous but I think if I weren't around you would have been lost.

I like that being here has made me closer to you and closer to them.

You're someone I can't live with but can't live without.

We definitely can't work together. That is my choice.

I really wish you all the happiness in the world. You totally deserve it.

this post is dedicated to
beb, report partner, secret crush, bff, evil twin, personal werewolf, seniors, anonymous, lunch dates, music teachers, HGA, SOMEONE, other half

10 years from now I want to be able to sit together and "have coffee" with beb, personal werewolf, anonymous and report partner. wishful thinking would include HGA but for different reasons ;)

Song of the moment: John Murphy - Sunshine (Adagio In D Minor)

New Hope

That smell. Your car. The laughs. The company. Your hair. The drinks. The looks. The stories. Your eyes. Your smile. The night before. The morning after. 1/8 of a day. 180 minutes. 10800 seconds. 3 hours. That was all it took.

Song of the moment: The Temper Trap - Love Lost

The Long Way Around

My biggest fear was that sooner or later you would realise I was disposable. That you and I had nothing in common and conversations between us doesn't come naturally. That soon I would be just your past and I have no place in your future. There are times when I see it happening, slowly excluding me from conversations, plans but then you would leave a comment or an email, something so simple and I'm pulled back in. But it's getting less frequent now and I'm just waiting for the inevitable. It hurts.  But it's not your fault. You can't force this kinda things. We were brought together by force and now that we've grown we finaly have a choice. A chance to choose the people you want to have in your life. I've faced the facts that I'm not your "person" and it might take some time for me to let go but I think I am finally allowing myself to do it.

Song of the moment : Kris Allen - The Truth

Maybe

With the current technology we no longer have to be face to face with someone to talk to them. This has its own pros and cons. Pros: we are connected to anyone anywhere at anytime. Cons: someone might be typing something but in reality might be thinking the complete opposite. I might be saying how happy I am for you but the truth is I'm currently crying typing your reply.

One of the many forms of deception is through the form of laughing. How do you know if the other person is laughing at you or with you or even laughing at all? Here's a guide of what I think all the lols or hahahs actually means ;)

lol
contrary to it actually meaning laughing out loud the user is actually not laughing at all let alone out loud but puts it just to be polite or it tickled your funny bone slightly which might cause a smile but definitely not a laugh

LOL
now this on the other hand shows that the user has put some effort in caps locking it so there might be some honesty in that laugh but i still doubt the out loud part

haha
ok see this user is just plain lazy and most probably not laughing or even cracking a smile at your joke/comment. this in my opinion is the worst deception in the art of laughing on the internet

hahahahah
now this has some potential that the user might actually be laughing at your joke and also there's a possibility that he's laugh sounds like that too. the longer the hahahah the higher the probability he's actually laughing

HAHAHAHAHAH
ok now this is what laughing out loud should be! if a user uses this he/she is obviously laughing at your comment and might be getting weird looks from the people around him

hehe
this is a gedik laugh or like a flirtatious kind

heheh
by adding the extra h it shows that the user is not trying to laugh gedik-ly more to a cheeky laugh. kinda like you making fun of someone so you put this at the end to show that you're only joking or getting caught doing something so it also may mean a guilty laugh

hehehehehe
this is a super gedik laugh. try not to do it unless you perasan hot

gagagagaga
well this is pretty new and its slowly catching on. the user most probably thinks its funny and might be laughing but it has an ejek-ing tone to it or the user might just be a lady gaga fan

harhar
if someone makes a sarcastic comment this would be how you respond

haha very funny
same definition as above. see this further proves that when you use haha you're not really laughing

Ok la obviously this does not apply to everyone. This is just my take and if you're one of those people who uses lol and really mean it then good for you :)


Song of the moment : Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire

Permanent

I know that I have to let go but I literally don't know how. How am I suppose to control what I feel when I think about you? Heck how am I suppose to control my mind to not think about you? If I focus my mind on other things wouldn't that be just running away from the problem. I might not be thinking about you at that time but I can't possible keep my mind occupied forever right? So please tell me how I am suppose to not feel this anger/hurt/sadness whenever I think about you? I want to get over you so much.

And I thought how ironic it was that you only had to do nothing at all to stay on my mind

Di sini ku menanti...

Song of the moment: The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Question Existing

I’m tempted to test them and see how they respond to it. The only thing that’s pulling me back is the thought of them doing the same back at me. So instead I observe and granted it might take me longer to get the answers that I’m looking for but I believe it’s worth the wait, it’s worth the feelings I might possibly hurt including mine.

Song of the moment: Plastiscines - Runnaway

Hi-Speed Soul

In the past week I've wanted to travel the world (if possibe in a hot air balloon), be a part of a theatre production (a musical would be awesome), a doctor (the closest would be me putting on my labcoat), a pilot own a private plane and work on a cruise ship (ok la boarding one would be enough).

I don't mind spending my weekend like this. Away from everything familiar. No one knew me as I sat on the green coloured cushioned chairs reading my book and listening to Battle Studies waiting for my boarding call. I didn't even mind the delay or that I would be tired at work the next day. All that matter was I was here in this moment and as I looked around there was this calmness in me and I needed that. Freeze frame.

Book of the moment: Forget You Had a Daughter by Sandra Gregory

I Gotta Feeling

Weekend came early for us and on Thursday night with a memorable opening act by our resident star we knew it was gonna be a helluva weekend. We didn't have the usual people but it didn't matter. The change in dynamics was welcomed and for once majority when to the engineering group. Chatting Shouting over good food, laughing and just plain chilling was what we all needed after such a tiring week.

The next night went out for dinner and then after waiting for an hour we were brought to our room for some fun-filled karaoke session. Who knew singing screaming to kesha's and taylor swift's songs could have us all gasping for air. And of course we HAD to have a mini tribute to Backstreet Boys (no one had to look at the screen for the lyrics!) or it just wouldn't feel complete hahahah. Can't wait for another round!

Saturday evening we went to the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta at Putrajaya hoping that our dreams of UP or The Ugly Truth could finally come true but we were sorely disappointed :( There were tons of people and it was just too crowded. There was nothing much to do there in the evening besides taking photos so we just walked around. Then around 8pm all the hot air balloons were up and we waited patiently for them to fly up but it didn't so around 9pm we left for dinner and watched the fireworks from the car instead.

6.30am the phone rang, my heart skipped a beat and somewhere a tear dropped.

Song of the moment : John Mayer - Who Says

Notion

When is enough, enough?

How much longer should I wait?

Splishy Splashy

When I was a kid, weekends or school holidays were spent in front of the tv at 10am to catch the latest movie (mostly Disney) TV3 was showing, before there was Astro. Movies like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and it’s many sequels, The Mighty Ducks, Homeward Bound and The Little Rascals (I miss this movie!) just to name a few.

One movie that I particularly remember was some sort of a musical featuring these poor kids selling newspaper on the streets. It kinda had an oliver twist feeling towards it I suppose. I didn’t really give much thought about it until the moment when I was looking through vcds at a shop and suddenly the movie came rushing into my mind and there was this need to watch it again. But I couldn’t for the sake of me remember the title and that bothered me so much (those who know me knows I can’t let go of things easily).

So from that day every time I go to a vcd shop I would browse through their collection looking for it but I never found it. Then came the internet era and there was hope yet again. So at this time all I could remember was that it was a musical, there were kids selling newspaper and there was this cute guy in it. I did all the possible search I could, anything you could possibly think of, I did it. “kids selling newspaper musical”, “extra! Musical” (I thought the title had the word extra in it which was wrong no wonder la fail to find it), “musical kids extra”, “musical newspaper” and the list goes on. I even browse through child actors’ photo to see if any of them might be the cute guy. I was damn determined to find it but I didn’t even come close to identifying it so I gave up yet again and slowly started forgetting about it.

Over the years there are times when the memory would crawl back into my mind so I’ll start searching again but I didn’t really put much effort into it like before. Then I literally forgot about it. That’s when they say you’ll find it right? Turns out its true! (But it took damn long lor) Just now I was sorting out movie titles on a website and there it was number 5 on the list, Newsie! Okay so it didn’t like jump out at me cause it was such a long time ago plus out of the possible title I thought of Newsie was never considered. But I was intrigued how come this movie that I have never heard of was number 5 in the list so I imdb-ed it and there it was! This was the movie I was searching for all those years ago!

I’m over the moon right now :D I love this feeling of rediscovering a part of your childhood that you have forgotten about. It brings this calmness in me and a good reassuring that everything will be fine. Oh and btw you wouldn’t believe who the cute guy is.

Christian Bale! (If he was an unknown actor I might actually not kick myself for never figuring that out).

Song of the moment : Florence + the Machine - Dog Days are Over(Acoustic)