This Photograph is Proof (I Know You Know)

i really really like you

not just like like but the real like you know

and i want something to remind me of this feeling

a picture, a song, a note, anything at all

but i've got nothing

i was so scared to let anything happen

not that it would but still

so i'm gonna take this chance

i'm gonna take lots of photo

and hopefully others will too

i saw a candid photo of you once

and the photo was simple

it was just you and her sitting

both of you were not doing anything

not even looking at one another

but when you see the photo you sense something

a connection of some sort

between you and her

we had that

didnt we?

maybe its the way the photo was taken

but it doesnt matter

i want something like that with you

a song that speaks about us or

a note you wrote to me or

a photo that i could keep

just a memory of us being us

to remind me that what we had was real


"And truth I only really wanted
To be wanted by you"

Song of the moment : José González - Heartbeats

Vindicated

You can't lose me.

I should have said this a long time ago near the end of july to be exact.

Sorry it took so long.


Song of the moment: Athlete - Chances

X and Y

It's not the same anymore. It wasn't like it used to be. You're different. You've change. I can't get used to this change. I don't think I ever will.

I've tried but it's just too hard cos I'm so used to the old you. I remember there was a time when I look forward to seeing you everyday. I would be filled with excitement because I would be able to learn something new about you that I haven't discover yet. That feeling is now a stranger to me. I can't even remember the last time I felt that way about you.

What am I suppose to do? I have to face you in a couple of days and for the first time I'm unprepared. For the first time I'm actually afraid of you.

Song of the moment: Placebo - Post Blue

Crashing Down

You wanna know what the problem is?

Why I'm acting so weird around you

Why whenever you're near i become cold and distant

Its you!

You're ALWAYS around

Everytime I turn around you're there

It was never a problem before but now

I feel like I'm suffocating or something

Everything you do seems to irritate me

I can't even look you in the eye anymore

I need space

Thats all I'm asking from you

And I also need you to stop asking me what the problem is

Cos I don't think you'll be able to handle the answer

I hope I can get through this

For your sake.

Song of the moment : 30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill

Good times Bad times

upside : my new room is slightly larger than my previous room
downside : i have to share the room with someone else

upside : i've made lots of new friends
downside : i miss my old friends

upside : i'm far away from my family
downside: i'm far away from my family

upside : i've been given this oppurtunity
downside : it's not what i want

upside : the campus is beautiful, very modern and stuff (the academic complex) and HUGE
downside : to go from one lecture to another you have to WALK (tiring much)

upside : there's no curfew. you can go out whenever you want
downside : i don't have a car

upside : food is great
downside : the money is also great

upside : i get to be who i really am
downside : i'll just have to figure out who first

upside: i get a new life
downside : i miss my old life

Song of the moment : Damien Rice - 9 Crimes

Escape

I'm relieved to be honest. I dunno why. But I am. It's weird cos relieved is not the first thing that comes to my mind you know. But there it is.

My escape. A way out of the world I never truly fit in and into a brave new world. Hopefully there I'll be able to be who I truly am and not just someone who everyone wants me to be.

I'll finally be free. No more dreading going to gatherings desperately wishing to be somewhere else and seeing those fake people who doesn't give a shit about you. No more feeling like you don't belong with people who you've known for the past 10 years. No more having to put up with people who annoy you like shit. No more nagging. No more accusation. No more pretending to be happy. No more pretending to be what I'm not.

But despite all that there's also a part of me who's afraid to leave. Leave the place I call home. The place where I feel safe. Well, most of the time that is.

They say once you leave home, you can never really return to it. A friend told me this while we were having dinner and I never realised how true it was till now.

“There is always a moment you can look back on,
a single instant that you remember for the rest of your life –
something that makes you go,
‘that was it, that was the time my life changed forever’.
And you know you’re never the same, because of that
One, solitary moment.”
- Paulina Pavo

Song of the moment : Augustana - Boston

The Beautiful Letdown

Part i

You can do it.
I can't.
Yes you can.
No I can't.

Isn't it easier to say that you can't than be really disappointed later on? Cos when optimism is shown hope appears and if things don't go well you end up disappointing yourself and the people around you.

So if there's no hope in the first place and things don't go well you won't feel so let down right? and if things do go well wouldn't everyone just be overjoyed. So isn't this a more win win situation?

Cos disappointment sucks. Especially when the disappointment ends up being you.

Part ii

It hurts me to see you like this. Knowing I'm the main cause. It was never my intention to make you feel like that. All i want is whats best for you.

So I'm sorry for everything that I've done to you. I'm sorry for pressuring you. I'm sorry for not believing in you. I'm sorry for not being there for you. And I'm sorry for giving up on you.

And I really hope one day you'll be able to look past this and forgive me. Cos you are special in your own ways. And screw those people who can't see it.

Song of the moment : P.O.D. - Let You Down

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Snow Patrol

The Fallen

So went for the Petronas interview just now. It was from 8 to 2 and the interview is only for National Service people. So there was only like 9 of us. The whole thing was quite easy actually. No research had to be done or anything. We first had to take some multiple choice question consisting of grammar and those picture sequence thing (like mensa) then after that we were given a case study and would have to present it both individually and as a group.

Which is when the "fun" started ahhaha. Oh man the one on one interview didn't go so well. My mind was like blank. Plus I was so freaking nervous. Shiat. I told you my interview skills sux. I didn't like totally screw it up though but there was so much space for improvement. I could have definitely done much better. The group thing went okay I guess. I really like my group. We worked well together.

Anyways what's done is done. I'll just have to work harder next time.

Man I'm going back to NS tomorrow (no...........). And I don't think there's anymore holidays so I guess I won't be able to come back to KL for another 2 months. Shiat I didn't even get the chance to watch Gubra and I'm gonna miss the premiere of Da Vinci Code. This sux...

you left me a missed call
what did you wanna say
was it good or bad?
should i be worried?
or were you just calling to say you arrived safely
i guess i'll just have to wait for tomorrow for the answer

Song of the moment : Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

Holiday from Real

Hellllloooo!!! So right now i'm on my 4 days break from NS (i wish it was longer ahhaha) which is gonna be filled with sleep, sleep and lots of sleep. Seriously though how do they expect us to have enough rest when we sleep at 12 wake up at 5 and the rest of the day is filled with outdoor activities. Tired wei. So far the whole thing has been very surreal. It still hasn't sink in that I'm actually there you know. The whole thing is like a dream.

Oh and did you know we eat like 6 times a day! Trust me you'll never get hungry. I remember before I went for NS some of my friends advised me to bring lots of food cos the food there sux but surprisingly the food at my camp is not bad. But of course you don't have any choice la. It's not like a buffet or anything ahhaha.

Anyways I found out a couple of days ago that I was shortlisted for the Petronas scholarship and will have to go for the interview tomorrow. Scarrrry. I'm scared and nervous like shiat.

But I know that this is my chance and I'm gonna make the best of it cos recent events has taught me that we should always be grateful with what we have as some people are not as lucky as us. There's this friend that i met at camp whose experienced has really affected me. He had to go through a lot of cabaran and dugaan at such a young age (seriously his life is like one of those malay novel tema you know). Before this I never knew people like him so when he opened up to me it really made me appreciate the people in my life. And just recently while I was having lunch he called me bearing bad news. My heart really goes out to him and hopefully he'll be able to go through it and not give up and remember that he is not alone.

Maybe we all need a little bit of rescuing,
from whatever it is that we fear, that we hate, that we run from.
There are the knights-in-shining armor who will come into our lives,
deliver us from evil, and save us from ourselves.
But then there are those, the quiet heroes,
who can find what is worth saving within us,
but also reach out, and ask to be saved…
So maybe we all need a little bit of rescuing,
But maybe, in the end, what we really need is to be rescuing each other.

- Maria Abbott, “A Single Affirmation.”

Song of the moment : Strays Don't Sleep - For Blue Skies

It Ends Tonight

So on sunday I'll be going to Kem Pinggiran Pelangi, Bandar Muadzam Shah, Pahang. Its getting closer and I am still not prepared both physically and mentally. I haven't even packed yet. Dude I have less than 3 days man. Shit.

Anyways I had dinner with my friends just now. It was okay but got a bit sad la since I won't be able to see most of them for quite awhile and would also most probably be the last time I see one of them. Family and friends are very important in my life so to not be able to see them for 3 months kinda sux. Sigh...

"The thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility that it might come true. And when you lose that possibility... it just kind of sucks."

-quoted from CSI

Song of the moment : Switchfoot - Always Something

It Dawned On Me

OMG its finally here. After months of waiting I finally got THE letter. And now it's just lying there on the table. I haven't opened it yet though. I already know whats inside so whats the rush right? Sigh.

I seriously can't believe its actually happening to me. I mean what were the chances right? I know going there is a good thing for me but still... its a huge change you know. And I hate change especially the feeling of not knowing whats gonna happen.

Plus 3 months is a long time. There's a lot of stuff that can happen in 3 months. People can change, friends can leave, birthdays will come and go, the price of petrol may increase again (lame i know) and then there are some things that will end and I won't be able to be there.

But dah takdir kan so apa nak buat. I guess I'll just have to accept it and make the best of the situation. And as Jovann might say "saya pasrah".

No more swimming in the d-nile river for me.

Song of the moment : Phantom Planet - Lonely Day

Points of Authority

And so it has started. Today's newspaper was filled with university and scholarship ads.

So what will it be accounting or actuarial science?

A descision has to be made. Fast.

Song of the moment : Linkin Park - Numb

Change is Gonna Come

So in a few weeks my world will be turned upside down.

Can't wait.

Song of the moment : Keane - We Might As Well Be Strangers